Okay. NME Awards. Always good for a laugh. Let's take a look at this and get involved, Pib style:
Soooooo. Best band. Wow. I wouldn't even know who to vote for. Maybe Kasabian. Actually, no, their last album was rubbish. No votes in that round. Shocking selection. Oh wait I have to vote to move on. Bombay Bicycle Club get it by default. Standard NME bizarro world selections there.
Best International? Arcade Fire. Country mile. Because they're actually good.
Solo is tough. I'm going Marling.
New act is tricky too. I think I'm going Lana Del Ray even though I quite like a couple of the others too.
Best live band. Easiest category so far. Thank you, Pulp.
Best album. I actually like a few of the albums in there, but Let England Shake is much, much better than the others. Much.
Best track is going to Lana Del Ray by virtue of the fact that a) I've only heard two of the songs, and b) the other song I'd heard was Arctic Monkeys.
Best video is pretty much the same as best track. When do I see music videos?
Festival meeeh didn't go.
Best dancefloor filler. Never heard any of them except the Justice one and its shit. Picked Metronomy on the basis of the nice picture.
Best TV show. Don't watch any of them, but voted Buzzcocks because we've still got a lot of good stuff in the bank from the years I did watch it.
Best film I voted Inbetweeners even though it wasn't. I've only seen that and Black Swan, and while Black Swan was pretty funny, I laughed more at Inbetweeners.
Hero of the year is an absurd category considering none of those people strike me as hero material. Voted Gallagher on the basis that he managed to get out of Oasis and release something alright for the first time in years.
Villain. So Gaga is in villain but not hero? Mind boggling. Voted Cameron because he's a cunt.
Worst album. Haven't heard any apart from Gaga and that was alright. Guessing with One Direction based on the picture.
Worst band. All varying degrees of naff apart from Viva Brother who probably are but I've never heard them. Going with One Direction because they look like the sort of people that I hope get beaten up when I'm on nights out.
The hottest man selection is a sad commentary on the world we live in. Going with Jared Leto because my ex used to fancy him, and she also used to fancy me, so logic dictates that he must have it going on in the traditional sense.
Hottest woman is a pretty sour selection too. Amy Lee. I haven't seen her recently but she was tidy like ten years ago or whatever. Plus it reminds me of Sara Lee, and she made apple pies.
Best album artwork is another horror show. This is the best they could find? Bjork.
Twitter? Don't use or follow or read or whatever. Voted Gaga.
Book? Haven't read any of them. Voted Jarvis on the basis that even though I haven't read it I know it is the best.
Small festival? What? I'm going with the farm. Never been. But farms are fun, right?
Best fan community. Voted Muse. I'm part of it, right? Plus all of the others looked like fucking gaylords.
Music film is going to Harrison by default. Haven't seen any.
Music moment of the year. Gotta be Pulp.
Best re-issue is going Smiths-ward. Couple of good ones there though. Things might be looking up for these alleged awards.
Oh, that was the last award. Nevermind. I had fun, and most importantly I killed ten minutes in the office. Entered the competition. If I win one of you lot can have my tickets. That's the sort of guy I am. Too lazy to go.
I'll see you all here again next year to run you through who I'm voting for so you know who is cool and that.
