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retardmonkeyfish :
Had a "I am pointless, what's the point of me?" day today. Doh, can't really let this effect my work.
It's just sometimes I feel like I can never make anyone happy and I can't do enough.  for all you fellow dead peeps
I definitely know that feeling. I'm having one of those weekends. Usually when i feel like this i sort of snap out of it for a couple of hours or can find something to help ease the anxiety of feeling like that but this weekend has been a struggle. Nothing i seem to do to try and help has managed to snap me out of that mindset for more that half an hour.
Everything hurts but i feel completely numb at the same time. I feel really disconnected. I keep walking around my house and i feel like a ghost or that i'm lost and everything around me is so familiar yet so alien.
I just want these feelings to end - i'm so exhausted at fighting them. It's been two years feeling like this - i have months where i think it might be getting better and like i can cope and then i just fall and end up in the darkness. Its then that i realise that i've just been numb, pushing my feelings away and trying to cover them up with a fake smile.
I feel embarrassed about using this thread all the time but... well i don't know what else to do or where to turn to. sorry
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Don't feel sorry at all. Can you think of any reason why you are feeling this way at all. There might be something underneath it all.
You know I still adore you
But in a different kind of way
You know I still adore you
But things have gotten vague
Baby I dont ask for much but things have gotten convenient
You know I still adore you but things, have kind of changed
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Three years in for me: been on a variety of stuff from fluoxetine to escitalopram with different results. Had a shit time of life, been incapable of getting out of bed for months at a time, came very close to falling in front of a train last year. You just get tired of fighting, you know? You have to struggle and really work just to keep an even keel, just to get to the level that most people achieve by just getting out of bed in the morning. It's utterly exhausting and feeds right back into those feelings of self-loathing and guilt: you have to put on a show for everybody and lie to them all the time about how you feel, because you know they would be utterly incapable of dealing with how bad you actually would be if you acted honestly. You're fighting all the time, against something massive and seemingly unstoppable and you are utterly alone in that fight, even if you have people around you who will care and help. You're fighting in your own head, and there's not really much they can do. So yeah. You never really get out of it for good, but I'm in recovery now which is something.
It's already been mentioned plenty of times in the thread but real, *serious* clinical depression is a billion million miles away from what most people mean when they talk about being depressed. People don't understand it, they don't appreciate the difficulty of living in what is essentially an endless unbroken *present*. You literally cannot imagine things ever changing: they will be the same way for all of time, until you die. For me, that's the real kick in the balls: the utter inability to visualise recovery.
But you know what? It gets better. That's the most important thing. And this isn't me telling you to "cheer up"; it's not me saying "well why don't you go for a run, or call some friends" because it's not always that easy. I'm just saying, it gets better. It'll get better for you, and there isn't much you can do about it. You don't have to accept what I'm saying, but it's true nonetheless. It does get better.
I'm out the other side now, not unscathed by any means, and still taking every day at a time, but when I look back even six months ago I see a different person entirely. So hang in there, and take help when it's offered. Give it time.
If you haven't already, http://www.enemiesofreason.co.uk is a good place to find inspiration. Steve's been fighting this thing for years and is beautifully eloquent. Anything from "Farewell Prozac" and a few of his blogposts on the main site deal with it directly.
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present
http://www.ahsstudents.org.uk - for all non-religious uni students!
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That was such a lovely post thank you for posting here
I know what you meen when you talk about feelings of guilt, I change so easily at times I think I'm very difficult to live with.
You know I still adore you
But in a different kind of way
You know I still adore you
But things have gotten vague
Baby I dont ask for much but things have gotten convenient
You know I still adore you but things, have kind of changed
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Sharing your experiences is good; people are so scared of the stigma of mental ill health that they bottle it up. I think the statistic in the UK for people who will have to deal with a mental health issue is something like 1 in 4, so it's a bit daft that people are scared to open up. That's why I love threads like this 
Guilt has always been a big part of it for me, even when logically my brain is telling me "this literally can't all be your fault - the universe does not arrange things around you". It's like adding insult to injury - not only are things fucking up, but your brain goes ahead and decides to make you feel responsible for it. Getting out of that mindset is really difficult, but I guess you have to keep trying.
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present
http://www.ahsstudents.org.uk - for all non-religious uni students!
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I've now gotten to the point where the thoughts I'm having are scary. I'm genuinely scared of what I might potentially do. Bottling it up isn't working in anyway whatsoever but I have no one to release it to and it's becoming a huge burden.
I live in constant fear of people judging me. Recently I went to a get-together of family and friends for my Grandma's 70th. As soon as people I am less comfortable around came, I assumed they'd be judging me and I completely disappeared. I no longer felt comfortable even being at my own grandmas around "family". The pressure I felt from myself presuming that I'd be judged, in secret at the house or later on at the people's houses in private, was just too much. I genuinely felt so uncomfortable.
I've gone into a pretty serious dark state recently too. Three weeks ago, visitors from America came over. I went out to places with them alot, almost everyday they went out. I actually felt like I fit in, I felt like people wanted me there, even if they didn't, and that they enjoyed my presence. I didn't particularly get along with them well regarding interests per se, but I very much enjoyed socialising with them. It's the most alcohol I have drank whilst in the presence of people other than friends and it made me feel nice. It made me feel happy.
Two days before they arrived I had been to Edinburgh with my girlfriend and it's possibly the first time I've truly been happy for a while too. It was the most amazing experience and I've booked to go again beginning of September. It's too far away though.
Anyway, Edinburgh and the American visitors are in the past and I've been showered wit a cold case of normality. I knew I was going to hit hard and I did. The thoughts are back in full swing (they still came and went during the two weeks the visitors were here but no where near as strong) and because of this normality, I'm seriously scared.
The anxiety is too much aswell. Instead of enjoying my time off, I'm counting down the days until university just because I'm so scared of what's gonna happen when I get there. I'm bricking it that i won't make friends. However, I'm also counting down just because it'll give me a whole new fucking life and might make it better.
I'm so so sorry for the huge post. I'm hoping this has helped me actually. Hopefully some of the tension from it being bottled has been released now. Thank you so much if you've read to this point, it means quite a large bunch.
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I think often, so many of us wish to help those in a tricky situation. We've all given advice and encouragement to others, however a lot of the time when the advice is so obvious its almost pointless saying it, except to show interest and compassion for the person in need of help. So, i spose there's no simple answer.
Im sure many will understand this here, i used to be really lacking in confidence and social skills. And the advice id get is "oh just go out meet people", and "oh just be confident and talk loud".
As wonderfully heartwarming it is to have people wishing you succeed...its pointless advice. And you feel ever more frustrated that they dont seem to understand.
Or examples ive seen, where a person is a miserable,difficult relationship...maybe even destructive. And no matter how many people say "Get out of there"...it wont ammount to much. Sometimes, its entirely down to individual to find that breaking point....Support of others is a bonus, of course.
In response to Mr nuttyboy, its always a point to remember , that so many people you know - whether they show it or not surely go through the doubts, self-questioning and dread you do.
And i thought at the start of uni i'd fail to ever make a friend...im not a big socialite, or a big talker. But it happened. In the sea of people you dive straight into, you'll find your shoal.
Do you fear that feeling of having nothing to look forward to? Im not sure i managed to cope with my own lifes mundanity...yet i do. I just have certain things i can keep me distracted. Always make plans. Whatever they are...from big to small....the simple to the ridiculous... Just get ideas out there.
Maybe just add a random element into each day.
Get a giant piece of paper, mark out all the things you have to look forward to...write on all the things you want to do.
Im afraid i will admit its hard to ever give any hints without truly knowing you, sir.
However, i can promise you you have much more going on than ive had this summer.
Buona fortuna!
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I hate when, there's something that you really want to do, but at the same time you're stubbornly convinced that you will fail in all aspects of life. And of course, if you go into something thinking you'll fail, you likely will anyway. A concept in and of itself which keeps the pessimism cycle running quite smoothly.
So then you don't do anything.
And then wonder a bit later why you're miserable.
Etc 
BERNADETTE, YOU ARE MY LIBERTY.
last.fm
tumblr?!
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I've been depressed lately, I think.
I say "think" because it's not like anything I've ever had to deal with before. I've been sad in the past, probably to the point of legitimate depression, and there's always been a legitimate reason behind it, but this time is different because of the situation I'm in. About a week or two ago is when I'd say it began. I'm not going to go into detail but there was a reason behind it. For the next few days, weeks, or whatever I just didn't give a fuck about anything except the situation I was in. I felt apathetic, sad, worried, angry, and isolated, and I knew I wasn't acting like my usual self. But after a while, I got sick of being like that. In a sense, I'm still feeling the same way, but all the negative emotions/feelings are less intense now and instead of just sitting around all day hating myself I'm working on improving and making things better for myself and other people.
Hell, it could just be pure desperation that's driving me to do all this, but even if it is I don't care. Regardless, I'm just glad that I've gotten out of that hole I was in. Now I can work on making things better instead of doing nothing and potentially making life even worse for myself. Don't get me wrong though, I'm still in a sort of bad place, but I think that I can do this and, with a little luck, I can get out of that bad place. I've got motivation, I've got a plan, that should be enough right?
I just want things to work out.
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General feeling of hopelessness tonight. I know it's not hopeless I've just made my life strange and not sure I've ever had any normal experiences which makes me ill equiped to deal with normal social situations. Get the feeling that everyone is just shouting to be heard and I have nothing good enough to say. Nothing interesting or important.
You know I still adore you
But in a different kind of way
You know I still adore you
But things have gotten vague
Baby I dont ask for much but things have gotten convenient
You know I still adore you but things, have kind of changed
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Sephian
9018 posts
 - Subtractingbeef
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I really don't know if I'm depressed, probably not, I don't know. I feel completely worthless. I don't really have the will to do anything. I have nothing good going on in my life and sometimes I wish it would just end.
Youtube
Soundcloud
Cogs and levers mesh
We are bound in death
Melt the silver down
Im still inside you
ಠ_ಠ
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Joeee You know I'm always listening!
...And then I said; Oatmeal, are you CRAZY?!
Last.fm
Bass covers!
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I was planning on writing something long and descriptive but it hurts too much. I am just not happy where I am in my life right now and it feels like I am stuck.
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bighead00129 :
I was planning on writing something long and descriptive but it hurts too much. I am just not happy where I am in my life right now and it feels like I am stuck.
Standard caveat that my experience is not your experience, I can't tell you what will work for you, and I can only say what worked for me.
In my experience, the best thing to do if you're stuck is to take stock - if you can't, get someone to help you - by working out what steps you can carry out to improve things. Change is good, getting out of the house/bed is good and trying something new is good. So much of being depressed is wrapped up in what you think other people think of you, that it helps to do something brand new where you get to meet entirely new people.
Still, take things as slowly and as carefully as you need to.
It will get better, I promise.
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present
http://www.ahsstudents.org.uk - for all non-religious uni students!
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Been battling with this for the last 2 years now, pain in the arse. I am surrounded by people everyday yet I feel like I'm the loneliest person in the world if that makes sense. I just keep waiting for something good to happen because it's just been 2 years of bad stuff happening so feel like I'm owed some good stuff now lol. Anything like a new relationship or a new job just something to change and actually make me happy for once.
What people don't understand when you talk to them about it is how much of a fight each day is. Most people just hop out of bed and they're good but I have to fight so hard just to get to that level they automatically arrive at and it's so tiring and you just feel like giving up some days because you've been fighting it for so long.
Im at the point where I really don't know where to go with it. Do I go to the Doctors and get pilled up and just numb myself to the world or do I go see a psychiatrist and just vent and see if getting it all off my chest helps. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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RandomJ :
Been battling with this for the last 2 years now, pain in the arse. I am surrounded by people everyday yet I feel like I'm the loneliest person in the world if that makes sense. I just keep waiting for something good to happen because it's just been 2 years of bad stuff happening so feel like I'm owed some good stuff now lol. Anything like a new relationship or a new job just something to change and actually make me happy for once.
What people don't understand when you talk to them about it is how much of a fight each day is. Most people just hop out of bed and they're good but I have to fight so hard just to get to that level they automatically arrive at and it's so tiring and you just feel like giving up some days because you've been fighting it for so long.
Im at the point where I really don't know where to go with it. Do I go to the Doctors and get pilled up and just numb myself to the world or do I go see a psychiatrist and just vent and see if getting it all off my chest helps. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
ive been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 2 or so years, and if you vent and explain your situ they will probably prescribe you drugs. and to be honest you need to be referred by a GP anyway. which depending on where you live can be hard /impossible unless they see you as very severe. sad facts.
hope you feel better soon, i know how you feel.
2658 - JAMES TYLER - 2009-07-17 17:17:39 GMT - PROJECT EURASIA
19/12/04 - 28/06/06 - 27/08/06 - 12/11/06 - 16/06/07 - 12/04/08 - 04/09/09 - 12/11/09 - 26/06/10 - 11/09/10 - 30/10/12
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Depression is such a fucking cunt.
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I facepalmed yesterday when my room mate told me depression is just people being lazy. She wouldn't listen to what I had to say and that made me  more.
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My mother has been really depressed lately. For past three days she has stayed on her bedroom without going to work. I'm starting to really get worried about her. Wish I knew what I should do.
Edit: She is really getting worse, I'm starting to fear for her health now. I'll have to try to talk to her once she wakes up tomorrow but trying to take care of your own parent suddenly feels so hard
-Helsinki, Hartwall Arena 22.10.2009
-Helsinki, Kaisaniemi Park 19.07.2010
Last.FM
Twitter
Youtube channel
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Do you have anyone who can help out Miro? Have things improved?
You know I still adore you
But in a different kind of way
You know I still adore you
But things have gotten vague
Baby I dont ask for much but things have gotten convenient
You know I still adore you but things, have kind of changed
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retardmonkeyfish :
General feeling of hopelessness tonight. I know it's not hopeless I've just made my life strange and not sure I've ever had any normal experiences which makes me ill equiped to deal with normal social situations. Get the feeling that everyone is just shouting to be heard and I have nothing good enough to say. Nothing interesting or important.
I read this and it just explains perfectly how i feel right now.
I feel like I have nothing good enough to say, nothing interesting or important. I can't see why anyone would waste their time on me, whether it is spending time with me or merely talking to me. I've pushed everyone I care about away so I don't actually have anyone who wants to do that anymore anyway and that just confirms my feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
Now i'm starting to doubt that anyone ever wanted to do that before my depression started, and that maybe it was all lies. Maybe I've always been socially inept. I'm also starting to question whether the person I was before was actually me. I've changed so much, I don't recognise the person I was before anymore - it's like a bizzare out of body experience.
Because I no longer feel like the person I was before, I feel that the people I've pushed away will not be able to recognise who I am now. They'll be shocked and pity the person I am now. It just adds to the feelings of worthlessness. I'm just feeling more and more isolated.
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user_unknown :
I feel like I have nothing good enough to say, nothing interesting or important. I can't see why anyone would waste their time on me, whether it is spending time with me or merely talking to me. I've pushed everyone I care about away so I don't actually have anyone who wants to do that anymore anyway and that just confirms my feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
Now i'm starting to doubt that anyone ever wanted to do that before my depression started, and that maybe it was all lies. Maybe I've always been socially inept. I'm also starting to question whether the person I was before was actually me. I've changed so much, I don't recognise the person I was before anymore - it's like a bizzare out of body experience.
Because I no longer feel like the person I was before, I feel that the people I've pushed away will not be able to recognise who I am now. They'll be shocked and pity the person I am now. It just adds to the feelings of worthlessness. I'm just feeling more and more isolated.
Hi UU! I don't know you from Adam, but I would be willing to bet that you are wrong about yourself. This is not how you've always been, and it's not how you always will be. The very fact that you had people to push away in the first place means that once you were likeable and popular.
I think you probably still are both those things.
I can't speak about your experience, and I would never claim to have been in your shoes or to know exactly what you're going through, but I've been in a situation where I felt worthless and - probably most importantly - like nothing could ever change for the better. Hopeless isn't a strong enough word for what that's like. It didn't last though; things *did* change for the better.
I guess what I *can* offer, as a random Internet person, is care about what you have to say. I took the time to read what you wrote, think about it and then wrote this. Not much I know, but if some complete stranger cares enough to do that then maybe you should find out what your family and friends actually think, instead of assuming that they don't want to listen to you. I am always amazed by how many people respond to that conversation - the one you dread having, and catastrophise so that you imagine people freaking out when you tell them what you're going through - with "oh, me too".
1 in 3 people go through mental ill health at some point in their lives, but hardly anyone talks about it.
Please, please, please if you continue to feel this way then open up to someone - whether friends or family or just a counsellor. I know it seems like there's nothing they could say would make you feel better but bear in mind that the latter in particular doesn't offer false platitudes and soundbites: they offer practical and sound advice that could help you.
I know it's tough, but it's worth it. There's so much more to life than feeling isolated and hemmed in and once you get there - and you will, however long it takes - it's like stepping out of a cramped forest onto a mountaintop. Don't give up - you'll get there
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present
http://www.ahsstudents.org.uk - for all non-religious uni students!
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I've started feeling really bad recently.
I just don't feel that there's anything that's happened in my life recently that's of any benefit to me or that seems like it's a good thing. Now, I fear I may be latching onto the bad things and ignoring the good ones but the bad things heavily, heavily outweigh any good things that have happened.
My ex-girlfriend has entered into a new relationship this week. Now, I am over her and fairly happy that shes moved on but obviously, as her ex-boyfriend of four years, I am almost entitled to be a bit pissed off and fed up at that and of course, naturally, I am. However, the reason for that is because she cheated on me twice and has yet still come out the better person. She's entered into a new relationship with a person who is fairly perfect for her and I am jealous of how happy they will probably be because I feel she doesn't deserve it. I haven't even come close to a relationship and I was the one who suffered from her actions. How is that fucking fair!?
And then the one girl I do like and I feel may possibly like me too has cancelled on meeting up and it's not even possible anymore really because of personal reasons of hers for us to get together at all even if she does actually like me.
So the two contrasting situations, along with being away from uni and back at home, which is causing me to be stuck in a rut of boredom, with my creativity being sucked out of me because of this shitty town is causing me to feel pretty damn ill recently. I felt faint all day today, I'm feeling sick now, I'm struggling to get to sleep well and when I do I have very unsettled sleep anyway. I've never felt this bad and I'm starting to worry. I felt pretty bad after Christmas and ended up doing something a bit silly so I'm crapping myself that it'll happen again. I don't want it too and I don't know what to do. I want to be able to control how I'm feeling but I don't know how. I think I'm gonna tell the girl who cancelled on me today how I feel, hopefully that will help alleviate the situation a bit maybe. At least she'd know then even if nothing can happen.
I just want to feel happy and it's seeming like it's an impossibility lately. I really don't think I can be happy.
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